Coded Communication

AKA, what is the difference between:

  • coaching
  • counseling
  • consulting
  • commanding?

Dear Young Tim,

If you have not already noticed, there are a range of possible communicative exchanges, in terms of the type of power dynamics that can be displayed. This is especially true when help is being offered from one party to another. Overall, you can imagine at least the following five types of communicative exchanges:

  • empathetic listening
  • coaching
  • counseling
  • consulting/advising
  • commanding

These five communication types lie on a continuum of increasing expectation that the individual who is receiving help will adhere to the suggestion or direction of the person giving the help. This shows up in the following means of relating between the two individuals.

coded-communication

With empathetic and active listening, you have two parties interacting as equals. One side listens to the other, then the other side listens to the first. This is possibly the most empowering relationship possible. The offered help is immediate in the form of a listening ear, but help is limited to the listening ear as well.

Then there is coaching. Coaching is an enabling relationship that involves empathetic listening, but it goes further by offering suggestions and questions to support the client’s goals.

Next, we have counseling. Here, the individual giving the help takes on more of a leading role than the coach. The counselor points or guides the person receiving help to actions the counselor believes they should take, as opposed to suggesting actions that may help (as a coach would).

Following this are consultants. At their extreme, they are hired as experts, they then hear and learn of the situation at hand, and finally, they deliver a prescription, a report of recommended actions, and then they leave. With a counselor you can imagine some back and forth in the relationship. This is not necessarily expected with a consultant. If desired, the consultant can be hired again for ongoing services.

Straddling the fence between consultants and counselors are therapists. When acting clinically, such as when prescribing medication or therapeutic interventions, the therapist is acting as a consultant. When guiding the client towards behavior change in a back-and-forth manner, the therapist acts more as a counselor. In this sense, a therapist wears both hats of a counselor and consultant. In either case, the therapist relates to the client ‘from above,’ whereas the coach relates to the client ‘from below.’ This is one difference implied in my note from May.

Finally, there are commanding relationships. Here, there is no back and forth at all. The person giving the help tells the person needing help what to do. This is akin to delegation–at best, and at worst, it resembles an authoritarian, parent-child relationship.

Young Tim, what I wish I told you earlier is that communication styles directly correspond to management styles. This would have been a great thing to look for when going to new teams and jobs. When evaluating new managers, does the manager relate to their reports more as a coach or commanders? Or a counselor, or consultant… When does the manager engage in each type of behavior?

Historically, Stitch Fix has been structured such that managers act as coaches more than commanders. And I’ve found that to be great! I wish I knew about such distinctions earlier.

Moreover, Young Tim, you should be aware of these distinctions when you’re helping others. Do you act more as a coach, counselor, consultant, or commander? Which is most appropriate, and when? Be aware of such things, both from others to yourself, and from yourself to others. In all such cases though, be sure to start first with empathetic listening.

Take care, and good luck listening, coaching, and commanding when you must.