To Amar

Hey Amar,

I know I’m no Adele, but here’s my best “hello, from the other side!” I admit, I never thought I’d be replying to you like this. And in case you ever wondered how people would react, know that all over the U.S. people chalked sidewalk art in your honor. #heartsprojectsf lives on.

For my part, I cried intensely after hearing of your early departure. You managed to catch me by surprise—again! Less than two weeks prior,
I left myself a journal note to call you back…
to return your messages…
to return your (e)mail.
I told myself in vain that I’d try to make it out to what I now know was your last hurrah.

In true Amar fashion, you were looking out for me, checking in on me repeatedly when I was in dark places. And in true Timothy fashion, I was avoiding everyone, waiting till I was in a happier state to interact with others. I wish I knew I wouldn’t reach that happier state fast enough. I wish I realized how strong you were, to reach out selflessly while you were hurting so deeply yourself. I wish I realized or knew the severity of your situation.

In passing, as in presence, you played a cautionary yet optimistic role in my life. You were my first friend as I ventured into the tech industry. I commuted by bicycle and had made interactive bike maps. So did and so had you! Clearly we were friends from our Day 1—literally. Being a few years ahead in your career, you put me on to all manner of “games” played in companies, situations to stay away from. You also brought all the jokes, fun 1-on-1 walks, and quiet-working companionship. You were one of the few I kept in repeated contact with after leaving. Now, during the ongoing Covid-19 pandemic, you’re my first friend leaving this world on their own terms. Your ending advises caution about the seriousness of hidden emotional struggles. Just as importantly, it also speaks to the power of an engineer and artist to inspire crowds to enjoy life as wholesomely as possible1.

With your passing, as in life, hindsight is a bittersweet 20/20. It clarifies choices that I could have and can make differently. First, I wish I did and I want to listen empathetically, immediately: with you, with myself when depressed, and with friends and family who are emotionally struggling. What problems are you dealing with? How do you feel about those problems? And what do you think you need to mitigate them?

The truth is, we all need help. Some people are upfront about this, but many (or most?) are not. I’m here to hear about my own and my friends’ problems. Please, be direct about raising the topics with me. Our problems and goals are the topics I’d most like to discuss, and they’re surely amongst the most important.

Second, I would have and I want to remind myself and others that we have reason to have hope, courage, and self-confidence. In your very first #heartsprojectsf drawing, you told yourself and the world “DON’T GIVE UP.” I would have loved to echo your words right back, in firm agreement. Whatever our current problems, as long as we can learn, we can become so much more than the version of us that is bothered by our situation(s).

If that sounds overly optimistic, then good. So be it. I hope it sounds like the words of a Younger Tim that we both knew. Also, I don’t imagine that you’d want this to end any other way. With your art, your humor, and your caring, thanks for making all our lives more beautiful Amar. I hope we can pay it forward and bring the better days you envisioned to others. From my blog to yours. Rest well, brother.

P.S.: May your artist’s mantras live on as the words of wisdom they are (see page 5):

  1. Quantity is its own quality.
  2. The best way to have a good idea is to have lots of ideas
  3. Property is theft
  4. Honor thy error as a hidden intention

  1. Amar organized a yearly walk around the perimeter of San Francisco, guiding dozens of friends and family. ↩